What Do Charedim Think About Those From Their Community Who Go Off the Derech?
When a child or adult from a Torah home leaves the path of Torah observance—what we call “going off the derech”—it brings deep pain. But in the Chareidi world, the response is not one of rejection. It is one of heartbreak, introspection, and above all—unconditional love.
The child may have left the derech. But the parents—and the Torah—never leave the child.
Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman zt”l: Never Throw a Child Out
Rav Aharon Leib was one of the most outspoken gedolim on this issue. He was asked numerous times by parents and educators how to deal with children who had stopped keeping mitzvos, violated Shabbos, or even became antagonistic toward Torah.
His response—again and again—was this:
"Throwing out a child is a crime. It is not chinuch. It is cruelty."¹
He said parents must keep the door open, keep showing love, and never despair.
When one father asked if he could push his son to leave home because of his negative influence on the siblings, Rav Shteinman answered:
“Influence? The biggest influence is how you treat him. If you throw him out, you destroy them all. If you love him, you might save them all.”²
Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky shlit”a: A Heart That Breaks
Rav Shmuel has said many times that every parent must remember: a child who strays is not a failure—they are a challenge.
“Hashem gave this child to you. If he’s lost, you don’t push him further. You pull him closer.”³
He emphasized that the aveiros of a child off the derech are often not fully their fault. They may be struggling with trauma, confusion, or deep internal pain. The solution is not harshness—it’s warmth.
Rav Yaakov Bender shlit”a: They Are Still Ours
Rav Yaakov Bender, Rosh Yeshiva of Darchei Torah, tells parents constantly:
“If your child is off the derech, make sure he’s still on your derech—the derech of love.”
In his school, he encourages staff to reach out, even to those who have left yeshiva, with a phone call, a smile, or a coffee. The message: “You still matter to us.”
The Steipler Gaon zt”l: Quiet Tears
The Steipler once said:
“You want to change your child? Daven with tears. Don’t shout—cry. Don’t threaten—hug.”⁴
He believed deeply in the power of tefillah and sincerity. If a child is off the derech, the first response is not rules. It’s rachamim—mercy, davening, and emunah.
Rebbe Shlomo Halberstam zt”l (Bobov): Bring Them In With Simchah
The Bobover Rebbe rebuilt a generation of youth—many of whom came from troubled or non-observant backgrounds. He encouraged simchah, warmth, and music as tools to draw in the heart.
“A child who feels joy in Yiddishkeit will return. A child who feels judged will run.”⁵
He urged his chassidim to sing and dance even with those who were struggling—not to minimize aveiros, but to remind the soul what it’s missing.
Chacham Ovadia Yosef zt”l: Never Let Go
Chacham Ovadia once told a grieving mother whose son left Torah observance:
“Do not say ‘he is gone.’ Say ‘he is hidden.’ One day he will return. You keep loving. Hashem will do the rest.”⁶
Understanding the Chareidi Hashkafah
In Chareidi Torah thought, we do not view people who go off the derech as “rebellious” in the modern sense. Often, the child is hurting. Struggling. Searching.
We don’t abandon them. We don’t shame them. We try to:
- Keep a warm relationship
- Be mekarev with sincerity—not manipulation
- Avoid confrontational debates
- Pray constantly and consistently
- Surround them with Torah joy—not Torah pressure
Should You Ever Ask a Child to Leave the Home?
Only in the most extreme, halachically guided situations. Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman was once asked about a child bringing non-kosher food into the home or desecrating Shabbos in front of siblings. He answered:
“So remove the tray. Not the child.”⁷
He explained that it’s better to lose a few hours of Shabbos peace now than to lose a child forever.
What Saves Children? Torah with Love
The Chareidi world believes the strongest kiruv for our own children is not lectures or punishments. It’s:
- Shabbos meals with warmth
- Parents who say “I love you” even when it hurts
- A home filled with emunah, not anger
- A family that believes no child is ever too far gone
Conclusion: Off the Derech—But Never Off the Heart
Our Torah is eternal. So are our children. Even when they leave the path, we do not let go.
As the pasuk says:
“שובו בנים שובבים” – “Return, wayward children.” (Yirmiyahu 3:14) Hashem is waiting. And so are we.
Footnotes & Sources
- Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman, Letters and Guidance, Vol. 2
- Rav Shteinman, recorded in Al Hachinuch, mechanchim conference 2008
- Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky, parenting Q&A, Agudah Convention 2015
- Steipler Gaon, Karyana D’Iggarta, Vol. 1
- Bobov Rebbe, cited by talmidim and biographers, 1990s
- Chacham Ovadia Yosef, Yechaveh Daas, Vol. 5
- Rav Shteinman, personal guidance shared in Chinuch B’Ahavah by Rav Yehuda Silman